Here’s a little exercise for our readers. Stand in front of your mirror and pretend that you’re talking to your best bud who you haven’t seen in five years. Out loud and while watching yourself, ask that friend how they are. Do it now.
Now…pretend that the person you’re talking to was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness. Out loud and while watching yourself, ask them how they are. Do it now. in front of the mirror again.
In the first scenario you might say “How are you?” “How’s it goin?” “Watcha been up to?” Your eyes might grow large, you might glow a little bit. You might smile or smirk, you’ll look them straight in the eye. You might lean in to them or your shoulders might rise with excitement. You are anxious for a response to get the conversation started.
In the second scenario, your brow might wrinkle or your eyes turn in to slivers as you show concern. Your lips might lie straight or even one side might curl up. You might look them straight in the eye or maybe instead you’re staring at their cheek or forehead. Maybe you’re hoping they answer “ok” and you can change the subject.
Gary and I were giggling pretty hard the other day when we had a discussion around this. We’ve both experience this frowny face with the soften spoken works of “so, how are you” or “so, how is gary?” We laugh because there is a concern there, that exists only because you know about the MS. But last I checked, MS isn’t terminal.
For example. We’re great! We recently adopted two kittens, Eleanor and George, and we LOVE them so much! Gary just started a Fellowship with the Obama campaign and Sadie just recently started her new position and work is finally calming down a bit. The fall weather is great and Sadie’s best friend is moving back home from Turkey and she’s having a baby so she’s very excited! Robin and Rigo are coming to visit this weekend with our niece and nephew so we can’t wait to see them. We’re planning a visit back home in October with two of our closest friends for some relaxation and we’re looking forward to it. Life is pretty grand. On the down side – Gary is still job searching, life is so busy it’s hard to find time to relax, Sadie’s other two best friends just recently moved to Seattle and Okinawa and it’s really cloudy out today.
But when someone scrunches their nose and draws their eyes down…they’re not asking how we are. They’re asking how the MS is. I didn’t realize MS had become the focal point of our lives. I didn’t realize a diagnosis of MS meant that everything else was just an afterthought.
I’m realizing I sound sort of bitchy. I’m not being a bitch. I’m laughing at this and it is endearing to know that people are truly concerned – I just want to shed some light on how obvious it is that what you are really asking is “how is the MS.” Last I checked, MS was a condition, a diagnosis, a medical ailment. It can’t tell you how it’s feeling.
The other day my best friend was asking some questions and said she doesn’t like to pry and I explained that I’m happy to talk about what it means for Gary to “have a bad day” or how the weather is having an impact on him, or anything else related to the MS for that matter. And do ask!
But ask that. Don’t enter the gray zone of “how are you.”
Again, I’m not trying to be offensive, I’m just trying to make this point: If you ask us with a tone of pity, then we’ll tell you about the MS…if you ask us with a tone of wonder, then you’ll find out a whole lot more about how we really are.
Gary's Gang 